Growing up the temple never scared me, nor was I worried about what happened inside. Just doing baptisms was perfectly fine for me… until everyone went on missions. Slowly, temple trip groups were split between those doing an endowment session and those doing baptisms. Then it was just a few of us going to the font…and then it was just two. At that point I felt so incredibly ostracized. While the rest of the entire group got to go behind the check-in desk, my friend and I were left to do baptisms on our own. I know that baptisms are also very important, but I felt that the others were getting more out of the trip than I could. Without going on a mission, there was never a real “reason” to get endowed.
Not all of us are supposed to go on missions. Not all of us can.
This frustrated me so much! I felt like all my friends had more knowledge and were at a higher level than me.
And it only got worse when as I got closer to going.
The panic of being singled out (because I don’t know what I’m doing) or messing something up was terrifying.
Temple Prep classes at church didn’t help me either. The fact that it was a separate class made the whole thing seem more secretive and selective. The class (in case you’re wondering) doesn’t talk about anything you didn’t already know. It could be taught in a normal class and that would be totally fine.
I felt like maybe Satan was working on me.
I had so many panic attacks and dreams that woke me up.
Sometimes I cried about it.
People telling me, “it’s a lot to take in” DOES NOT HELP AND MAKES IT WORSE. You make it more ambiguous.
I understood it was sacred and that’s why we don’t talk about it, but honestly, it felt like I was blindly being thrown into the fire and I was supposed to excited…? I wasn’t. I was terrified.
I wasn’t terrified of the ordinances, I was terrified of having no idea what to expect or what I would have to do if anything at all.
“Just focus on the spirit” everyone told me. But it would have been nice to know what I have to do… just sit there? Say stuff? Move around the room? Do we do stuff one at a time? Was it all together? How was I supposed to know what to do? What do I participate in?
AHHHHHHHHH.
After going through this experience myself I wanted to offer my own advice and what helped me.
Thankfully, I had a wonderful fiancé who helped me. He didn’t know it, but helped calm my nerves a bit. He suggested reading a book about the temple (not The Holy Temple by Boyd K Packer, although that’s a good read which I recommend). The book Endowed from on High helped explain symbolisms and WHY they are used. Just a bit more information :)
I was also so incredibly blessed with a roommate who instead of telling me the temple is a lot of information and weird (don’t tell people that either!!!), she told me that it’s the warmest, happiest place and you’ll never smile more. Everyone should be like her. She made me feel peaceful rather than worried.
One of the most important things I found helpful was to ask people “what’s one thing you wish someone had told you before you went your first time”
This makes people actually remember their anxieties and what would have helped. You get some good and more thoughtful answers this way.
But the most help I had was from praying. I can’t tell you how many times I was on my knees praying for comfort about it, and that I would be excited to go.
The days got better after that.
Not all days were worry free, but I was much more relaxed. I felt like I had a blanket around my brain keeping anxiety thoughts away.
I prayed and thought about it so much that I had this incredible dream that about put all my worries to rest. It must have come from heaven, because no such feelings of peace and joy could have come from anywhere else.
I entered into a giant black and white building, glass windows everywhere. The scenery was beautiful…gardens, mountains, temples, snow, fountains, all surrounding this building. I was greeted by former prophet, President Hinckley, but I also recognized other faces from home. President Hinkley asked if he could help me, and I told him it was my first time going into a building like this. He was so excited for me to be there! He told me that I shouldn’t be so worried and that he wanted to show me something that might help. He let me enter past an invisible shield/veil thing, and as soon as I stepped through pure joy shot through me. My entire body was glowing with this feeling of bliss and peace. It was the purest form of happiness. I’ve never felt so happy in my life! At that point I exclaimed, “how can the church not be true when you receive joy like this?! You can’t deny this feeling or the church. No other place has this.”
He then informed me that I was right! And everything we do is to have bits of that joy until we get to have the full joy again when we return back to heaven.
That’s why we do everything.
I still have questions why we do things. I still don’t get things. I’m still learning, but I wish I had gone earlier (before close to getting married).
I think it would have helped me process and feel more comfortable if I had just gone with my mom and without a wedding crew behind me.
My advice is to go before you have to (marriage or mission) that way you’re going for yourself.
Only have people you want to be there be there. (I advise parents to help you).
The temple is a wonderful place, and I feel myself wanting to go often, so it must have been not too bad.
So go. Go now for yourself and feel of God’s mighty power.
Don't forget to be awesome!
