Why I didn't go on a mission

I get asked this question a lot, "Why aren't you on a mission? You should go!"

I know, I've heard this probably a hundred times. Everyone goes on a mission now. I should go too. Almost everyone my age has received their mission calls and are now serving the Lord by teaching people all over the world what the gospel is. The age group between 18-21 is almost non-existent because they have all left.

I felt like I was being left behind. 

Don't get me wrong, I want to go. I think it would be amazing to be in complete service of my God, teaching others the wonderful news the Gospel brings. I want to share the joy and peace it brings me. I'm completely a mission supporter 100% of the way. Most of my closest friends are out on missions and I long to be doing the same thing. I think everyone who knows they are supposed to go on a mission, should go.

 I just don't think it's for me. 

For a while, I tried to force myself on the mission boat. Getting to hear many of my friends open their calls to exotic places and speak foreign languages was so inspiring! I wanted it to be my call every time one was opened.

There was this one night after hearing a mission call opening, I returned to my room and had a panic attack. I couldn't get the thought of going on a mission out of my mind. But the more I thought about it, the more stressed I felt. I couldn't concentrate on anything else except that I should get started on my mission papers and catch up to everyone else. I was feeling so incredibly pressured, panicked and a little sick to my stomach. I read some scriptures and kept saying to myself, "This is just nerves, or Satan telling you not to go." 

I then thought and prayed about what would happen if I stayed here. I felt so much peace. I felt as if something had calmed the storm that had been waging war inside of me for a few months. I wasn't worried anymore. I can't explain it in words, but I felt like I was supposed to stay. I realized I could still change lives and teach people around me. For some reason I had a greater calling to stay here and not go. I promised myself I would find people who crossed my path and be open about my beliefs. While it is still too early in my life to know why I wasn't supposed to go, I can see the small rippling effects of my example being here. I'm glad I stayed. If I had left I would have missed out on opportunities to share the gospel with those I have already found. I don't have to tell people I don't know if I'm going on a mission yet, because I can say I'm serving here. I still have the opportunity to answer questions and post videos, quotes and scriptures on social media. 

...I almost feel like serving a mission is a certain status placement now. Like, if you don't go, you aren't as strong as the rest of everyone who went. 

Missionaries actually need references and help finding people to teach. That's their biggest problem. With a large portion of the young adults being gone, there is not a lot of people still here to be that example, influence, or plant the seeds of the gospel. That can be me. That can be you. That can be all of us. Missionaries still need support from young people while they are out. Part of my service here, is writing to them. I send my favorite quotes and scriptures when they are going through a hard patch. I listen and pray for them. I send jokes, stories and ask random questions to keep Mondays fun and interesting. Sometimes I feel like writing everyone on their mission...is a full time mission.

So when people ask, "Why haven't you gone on a mission yet?" 

I can say, "I'm on a mission. It's just not the same one you are on."

BYU part 1

I've been to a lot of places and seen a lot of faces. 

Most of my summers have consisted of traveling around the U.S or even outside of it. Adventures has always been one of my family's favorite things to do. However, up until August 2013 I always had the same home to come back to. My family never moved. 

Leaving home was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I was leaving my 3 younger siblings to go on with their lives without me. It was crushing. I was going to a college where my family was over a thousand miles away and I was solely going alone. On top of everything being new and me being completely lost, I am introvert. I was terrified. However, I had heard so many wonderful and exciting stories of BYU. 

"It's the best time in your life!"

"You'll never be happier!!!"

While I believed in BYU as some sort of fairy-tale, I felt like I was leaving one behind in Oklahoma. 

My first semester was one of the most trying times in my life. Perhaps this was because I tried so hard to be someone I'm not, or maybe it was because I didn't have the support of a mother anymore. I felt like I was carrying the whole weight of the apartment on my shoulders and slipping in school. On top of all this, EVERYONE was dating...except me. I mean, I went on dates. It wasn't ever successful though. Stressful. 

I remember staring at the ceiling with my heart aching. I wasn't as pretty as everyone else at BYU, I couldn't compete. I didn't have the social skills, special talents, intelligence or spiritual aura the rest had. 

It wore me down piece by piece, day after day. 

I made friends, well a best friend. I was blessed with the tender mercy of having a roommate who was just enough like me that we were best friends, but also different so we didn't butt heads. I immediately felt like I could talk to her about everything. We'd lay on our beds and talk into the wee hours of the morning about life. Family, love, our worries, fears and future. If I didn't have her, I think I would have given up and gone to live at home. I don't think it was an accident that we were roommates. We were set up by a family who lives in my town and told me we should be roommates. Call it destiny or fate, but we both needed each other. God looks out for us, he always has :) 

But I struggled with my other two roommates. They were nothing like me. Now looking back, I think they were my roommates to teach me things so that I wouldn't have to go through those things myself. I quickly learned to clean after myself and dating wasn't what it all it was cracked up to be. I became an expert listener as I heard sob stories and a teacher when asked for advice. 

I learned to love the mountains. They were magical as I watched them turn from green to golden colors of red, brown and yellow then finally to white. I've always been in love with snow, it's so peaceful as it falls from the sky. You can always see God's beauty when it snows.

Here are a few things I learned my first semester:

1. Any boy can break your heart if you give them the power to.

2. I'm not even close to as smart as I thought I was.

3. Roommates make or break your semester. 

4. God is there, God is always there for you. 

5. You can ALWAYS call home too :)